Upside-down; boy you turn me…

You know that doom and gloom talk you hear a lot that goes something like, “This country’s going to hell in a hand basket.”?

You can drop the future tense from that sentence. We are here. This is hell.

We are living in a country where a guy breaks into an elderly man’s house and gets shot by the man – and the family complains that the man should’ve warned the burglar that he was armed and willing to use his gun against him.

Up-side-down!

We’ve reached the point where U.S. Ambassador Susan Rice can lie to America about the nature of an attack that killed four U.S. citizens and then go on the Daily Show and claim that the investigation into the cover-up does a disservice to those who were killed… and the audience applauds!

We’re in hell. We are completely upside-down as a society. It’s here.

We are gone.

I honestly don’t know if there’s any way back at this point.

We’re in a world where people literally cannot see any difference between Israelis and Palestinians – even though one side straps bombs to children, uses them as human shields, hides behind women, hides in mosques, schools and hospitals, disguise themselves as nurses and swears to anyone who will listen that Israel needs to be pushed into the Mediterranean Sea.

And people somehow can’t see any difference?

Gonzo!

We now reside in the bizarro world. Up is down, day is night, black is white, right is wrong.

Hope and change? We have hopelessly changed.

We are beyond hope.

I’m thinking of starting up a colony on the moon. Who’s with me? And can you chip in for gas money?

“Yemen has guns!” Boom!

Our judges would’ve also accepted “gun genetics” – and you know I already enjoy alliteration (especially from anxious anchors placed in powerful posts – funny how the Albert Brooks-portrayed character, one of my all-time favorite fictitious characters, who said that line in jest was himself named “Aaron Altman”). 

I think “gun ethnicity” is more apt and here’s why. 

I watched the latest clip of Piers Morgan arguing for gun control. First, I have to give the guy credit as the Beck radio crew was, that at least he’s not an Olberman who won’t debate the other side, he’s been very willing to face the rhetorical pummeling by those armed with facts to contradict his assertions. Double that credit for going down to a Texas gun range and learning a bit more about the guns he’s been railing against. Way to go, brother!

In the debate between Morgan and Ted Nugent, Morgan confronts Nugent with the statistic that the U.S. and Yemen are the two countries with the highest per-capita gun ownership rates. He then uses that to ask of Nugent (paraphrased), “Do you think Yemen is a safe place to live?”

And THAT argument is what prompted my coining of the “gun ethnicity” phrase. In other words, apparently, guns in Yemen are more likely to behave violently than guns here in the U.S. Because to Morgan it’s all about the guns and not the people who use them. 

I can’t help but wonder, doesn’t Morgan realize by now that the more statistics he provides, the more he disproves his own argument? He cites Japan as having less violence where there are no guns. But then we can also cite Switzerland’s low murder rate in the citizens do have guns. So obviously it’s not the gun that’s the issue. It’s the people. But Morgan seems to believe in gun genetics or “gun ethnicity”. The likelihood of a gun murdering someone is depends on where that gun was born, evidently. It’s in the DNA… of the gun. 

Again, these self-touted “open-minded” people are so simplistically myopic. Morgan surprised himself with his own level of accuracy using an AR-15. He can’t possibly see that as a good thing. (Makes you wonder, if Morgan is so convinced the gun is the problem, why didn’t that AR-15 takeover his body and turn and shoot everyone there at the range?) He can only see the gun as inflictor of bad. Somehow he can’t see it equally as a defender of good. 

I’m not going to be labeled myopic myself. I can see both sides of this argument. I can very well sympathize with the visceral reaction to the AR-15 as a “killing machine” (though Morgan keeps inaccurately stating that it was used in each of the last 5 mass murders in the U.S. – why distort the truth if you’re so sure of your argument?). I get that entirely. But I’m not so close-minded that I can’t see the gun as a legitimate means to self-defense. Somehow, Morgan simply cannot comprehend that. Would it take a hundred people running at him with deadly weapons for him to finally see it? Don’t know. 

In fact, allow myself… to demonstrate myself’s objectivity, also in the gun control arena. The Right jumped all over Michael Moore when he talked about the people living in suburbia who own guns, and cited that there are fewer crimes in said suburbia. They jumped on him because they believe they caught him in a “gotcha” moment – i.e., he just admitted that there are fewer crimes in neighborhoods where people own guns. Ha-ha!

But I’m open-minded enough to consider the possibility that it might simply be that the neighborhoods and those who inhabit them, perhaps sheerly for socioeconomic reasons, might be less prone to violent crime – gun ownership notwithstanding. I mean, that’s basically been my premise from the beginning – that it’s the people not the guns. So the automatic (or is it semi-automatic?) inclination by the gun rights supporters to believe that gun ownership is the sole reason for the lower crime rates very well could be short-sighted and missing a more holistic analysis.

So there. Objectivity demonstrated. Next issue…

Oh no, not again!

You may not yet have seen this one because it seems to air on the alternative media that I view, but it makes me laugh more than the much-satired “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ad ever did.

It’s the Olde Brooklyn Lantern – basically a glorified flashlight – and te opening line of its TV ad is one for the ages.

A male announcer exclaims with emphasis as we see an elderly couple:

“Oh no, not again! The POWER went out!!”

Classic!

I tried the line during a recent office power outage but nobody knew the reference. So I suppose I’m ahead of the curve on this one. Maybe Joel McHale and The Soup crew will get wind of it and feature it on their show. (I think what the Mystery Science Theater crew could’ve done with it.)

You’ve got to hear the line and its delivery to see why it’s so (unintentionally) funny. Everything after that line is not worth watching; same as the fallen-but-can’t-up ad.

See it for yourself on the official website (oh and to the folks at Olde Brooklyn Lantern, if you get a few sales out of these visits intended just to see how silly the ad is… you’re welcome!). Hopefully you’ll find it as amusing as I did. If not, then maybe your power is out.

Now if only my power would fail during those Budweiser “pep talk” ads.

Original Diva

It all started Spring Break of 1988 when I hung out with a Born Again buddy and a very popular song of the day was playing wherever we were; it was “I Got My Mind Set On You” by George Harrison – a particularly catchy number.

My friend who believed any song not about God was not worth singing (nor recording), but he liked this one enough to invoke a presto-change-o Christian conversion. Such a conversion can be easy depending on the tune. It typically involves a simple pronoun alteration. If one is – as in nearly every pop song – singing about a member of the opposite gender he/she covets, all you have to do is redirect the lyrical subject from that person to God.

In most cases, it merely involves capitalizing the “y” in “you” – as in the Harrison offering.

Much more recently, the talented band at my church performed The Who’s “Join Together” – and in that example no changes in lyrics nor capitalization was required. It was sung as recorded. It became the segue to the pastor’s message which pointed out that the church community doesn’t live in an isolated world and thus he was acknowledging the mostly-secular pop culture in helping define our role within the entire community.

With those examples as a backdrop, I was in the midst of one of my 20-year pop culture flashbacks (typically I flash all the way back to the 80s as you’ve seen on this site but I also enjoy looking back in 20 year increments) when I identified another perfectly Christian-convertible tune from the amazing Annie Lennox’s signature solo album “Diva”.

It’s the third song on the album and was always one of my two favorites on a record whose every song was hit-worthy (though I have to disavow “Little Bird for its association with the movie “Striptease”). It’s called “Precious”.

Again, simple “capital Y” conversion is all that’s required; heck, it could’ve been written as a spiritual song. It’s about an angel sent from Heaven after all.

The second verse is especially compelling to me. Here it is with the capitalized Y:

Precious little angel
Won’t You shed Your light on me
I was locked up in the darkness
Now You’ve come to set me free
I was covered up with sadness
I was drowned in my own tears
I’ve been cynical and twisted
I’ve been bitter all these years

Well I was lost until You came.

Perfectly apropos, yes?

Maybe I can get my church to perform it some day – though genre-wise they are quite a bit more hard-rockin’ than this song would merit.

But try it for yourself and think of other good pop songs that allow you to express your Faith in one simple step.

NOTE: I sometimes link the Youtube (capital Y) video in these posts but it’s easy enough to find on your own.

Eak-uel.

I know, I’m a broken record. The kids have the FX channel on the second Alvin and Chipmunks movie is on and so it served as another reminder at how ludicrous it is to me that they lace these movies based on popular kids cartoons with PG-13 and R-rated references.

For crying out loud, I just heard one of the ‘munks say something about eating his liver with fava beans and a nice chianti. A Hannibal Lechter reference. HANNIBAL…. LECHTER!!!

Hannibal… THE CANINBAL!!!

I mean, if you’re a kid, there is NOTHING about that line that you’ll find compelling. I mean there’s nothing clever about the line on its own. Do kids know what fava beans and chianti are?

If you do get the reference because you’ve seen Silence of the Lambs and you’re a kid, then I’m really sorry.

Then there are the girl chipmunks singing Beyonce’s “If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.”

In fact, my 7-year old specifically didn’t understand what “put a ring on it” meant. That’s not even my concern. See, in the hip-hop vernacular, when one sings, “If you liked it,” the “it” doesn’t mean “me”. It means “the sex” – or I could even get more specific and more graphic than that in terms of what it means. Hence, it has no business being in an Alvin and the Chipmunks movie.

But there it is. And, as the gal chipmunks’ agent says to Simon and Theodore but perhaps he’s really addressing the audience: “Sucks to be you”.

Yes, I’m an old-fashioned curmudgeon when it comes to the now commonplace and accepted term “sucks” in the mainstream PG vernacular. As favorite columnist Phil Mushnick often asks, “Sucks what? Eggs?”

We know what “sucks” really means.

Now, when it comes to R-rated references in kids movies – I’ve been outspoken about the Smurf movie’s use of “Smurf” in place of the F-word – there was one reference aimed at the parents that the kids also thought was funny, and it was so clever even the adult audience was shocked; not appalled-shocked but simply shocked at how unexpected and funny it was.

Anybody know where I’m going with this? The line was in “Shrek: The Final Chapter.”

Donkey (Eddie Murphy voice, apropos as it were) says to the Gingerbread Man:

“Whatchyou talkin’ about, Cracker!”

Great stuff. I’ll give the Shrek writers/producers a pass on that one. It served as a G-rated line for the kids that the parents also enjoyed.

Otherwise, quit with the R-rated references and perennial attempts at “edginess” – I’m begging you!

P.S. Now Madagascar 2 is on, which made me realize that the President’s energy policy ought to be called:

Mad-@-gas-cars, too. (Yuck, yuck.) Tweeted that to Ben Stiller and some Conservative pundits today but so far no retweets/replies. Go figure.

Nobody does it better.

Those of you who refuse to watch Fox News because you’ve drank the Left Wing Kool-Aid, you might wanna rethink that approach. At the very least, you should check out Chris Wallace on Fox News Sunday for the textbook definition of the ‘Fair and Balanced’ slogan conveyed by the network.

I don’t have to spend too much time on this, because I’ve made the point before. Today, Wallace had Republican Governor Mitch Daniels (Indiana) for one segment, followed by NEA and AFL-CIO leaders the next. To point out that he grilled each side with tough but fair questions isn’t significant, because that’s what he does week in and week out. Heck, as one who leans Right myself, often I think he overdoes it to come up with tough questions for his guests from the Right, because I believe true objectivity would lead one to lean Right as I do.

Nevertheless, Wallace’s mission is to be equally tough on either side – and that’s what he does. It strikes me especially that Wallace’s dad, whom we recently lost, clearly leaned Left with his reporting. That’s what makes the junior Wallace that much more impressive. He wanted to be like Dad – a journalist; but unlike his Dad he has no interest in letting any ideology interfere with his journalistic priority.

At times his questions are tough to the point that I’ve dubbed him the “Debbie Downer” of newscasting. However, his ad libs are clever and even while tough he keeps it light. You never get the sense that he’s indignant like so many other of the “head-shaking” excitable newscasters.

Props to you, Mr. Wallace. Condolences on your father. I don’t watch Sunday morning news programs often, but when I do, it’s the truly “Fair and Balanced” Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace.

All Tiger, all the time.

Boy, if only the YES network produced its “Batting Practice Today” show the way the Golf Channel produces any tournament in which Tiger Woods is a competitor. That which we want to see on YES’ pregame show is what we are forced to watch on Golf Channel.

This morning, we watched five consecutive wedge warmup shots of Tiger Woods while the commentators speculated on what might occur when his round unfolds later. I wish YES would apply the same approach to its “Batting Practice Today” show – which, shows maybe 4 or 5 pitches of batting practice – sometimes recorded (when the Yanks are at home, batting practice occurs well before the show airs an hour prior to first pitch) or live – and then proceeds to serve as nothing more than a regular pregame show, even incorporating some of the same features that are recycled a half-hour later during the official pregame show. Makes sense, huh?

There’s only one way this problem can be solved. Tiger would have to pull a Michael Jordan and quit his sport to take up baseball. Then sign with the Yankees. Alas, I’m sure we would see each and every one of his pregame swings. We’d see them in slow-mo, we’d hear interviews with his baseball swing coach… you get the picture.

Now, here’s another issue I have with the Tiger warmup coverage. All we saw during this run of wedge shots was a closeup of Tiger. I mean, the coverage isn’t even simulating that which we’d see if we were at the tournament standing behind the range. There, we’d actually see what Woods is aiming at, how far he’s hitting the wedge relative to the length of each swing, how close he’s coming to his targets, etc.

Instead, all we get is a closeup. So even if you were a Tiger fan you’d be disappointed with this level of coverage. In other words, nobody wins.

Orange you glad I won?

It’s post #360, meaning if blog posts were degrees, we’d have come full circle.

On that note, at last, Ricky Fowler has a won to compliment his bevy of endorsements. In truth, I’m being harsh when I say he “finally” won; he’s only been on tour a couple years. Some players never win on tour, but then those players rarely get the type of notoriety Fowler had before he won.

Take D.A. Points, whom Fowler beat (along with World #1 Rory McIlroy) in a playoff to win the Wells Fargo Championship. He has one career win on tour, which came in 2011, and how many endorsements did he have?

The popularity of Fowler, often referred to as a “fan favorite,” has mostly been based on his looks and his particular look – an “edgy” and “hip” persona that includes baggy, bright-colored clothing and a crookedly-worn cap. Today, that’s not just a look, it’s a look of victory.

No doubt looks plays a role even in the men’s game when it comes to endorsements. Look no further than Camillo Villegas as an example (he does have a couple nice FedEx Cup event wins to back the endorsements).

I wonder if, in England, Robert Rock gets more endorsements than other contemporaries based on his movie star look. Rock is one of the very few players left in the game who don’t wear caps – which not only offer sun protection but, more importantly, the real estate on which to plaster 2 or 3 endorsements. It’s got to be Rock’s locks that preclude him from sporting the cap. There must’ve been a concerted calculation that determined that he stood to make more in endorsements by not wearing the hat and showing off the wavy hair than  he would by wearing a hat that would directly promote brand names yet cover up the handsome hair.

Meanwhile, in America, Fowler not only sports the Puma cap (there was a time when I first noticed Puma’s resurgence and asked someone wearing it if he was a Detroit Lions fan), he slightly twists the cap to make it more young and brazen. Whatever, I respect individuality and its various expressions.

Speaking of American golf and hats, the last US PGA tour player I can recall who didn’t wear a cap was Ted Tryba – and sure enough, he, like Rock, had a signature hairstyle to showcase. Good stuff.

Now, in a related story, I have recently noted that Natalie Gulbis, whom long ago I dubbed “The Kournikova of golf” due to her plethora of endorsements (also based on looks) and corresponding shortage of tour wins, has been appearing on first pages of leaderboards this season. So I’m encouraged by this development, so to speak, as well.

In fact, Gulbis made a nice Sunday run to the first page of the leaderboard of the Kraft Nabisco in March. Soon after I saw her on the first page of another event, so the Nabisco was no fluke.

It’s nice to see the records of Gulbis and Fowler – who just before his win on Sunday I had dubbed “The Gulbis of men’s golf” (or, by default, “The Kournikova of men’s golf”) – at least somewhat validate the looks-based endorsements they’d previously garnered. As a result of Sunday’s impressive win (he’d had a close 2nd or two before), I will no longer refer to him by this moniker.

I’m sure he’s so relieved.

As for Gulbis, well, hey, there doesn’t have to be a Kournikova of golf, so I hope she sheds that label (so she won’t have to shed her clothes to make money) with which I’ve saddled her soon.

"Don't tread on me!"

I tried my first hike of the season in a desperate attempt to lose the 20 lbs. I gained since last Fall in one weekend (mission not accomplished but I did lose 6 lbs. over the weekend). Most of the Serrano trails are paved, but there are a few areas where dirt/gravel offshoots exist. One of them I dubbed, “The Rattlesnake Run” because last year it wasn’t very cut-down and so I would high-step my way through and hope for the best.

Wouldn’t you know it? This year, the path had been cut down, so I thought I could cooly take my time and walk the path – and THAT’S when I came within 2 or 3 feet of a 3-4 foot rattlesnake crawling right across the path. I’d already hiked the two tough hills and jogged the brief portion of the trail that’s adjacent to the main road (so the drivers of vehicles will think I’m a real athlete). I didn’t have much gas left in the tank, but when this fella turned and put itself in strike position, I let out a girlish yelp and turned and ran back up the hill from which I came.

In retrospect, I’m amazed by how calm I was right before I decided to turn and run. All that missing was my yelling, “Run away!” As the sidekick of Brave Sir Robin once sang, “When danger reared it’s ugly head, he turned his tail and then he fled.”

Out of breath and ready to keel over, I vowed I would never again veer from the paved trails.

Today, I happened across this rattler – it’s the beautiful Northern Pacific rattlesnake; except for the head shape and the rattle-tail, it can easily be mistaken for the California Kingsnake with its similar markings. It was going across the asphalt path, so it was easy to spot. I saw it much sooner and was even able to get up fairly close and snap its picture. It was oblivious; it was on the prowl for food. Given that it was in the same general vicinity as the one that scared me out of my shoes, and that it was the same size, it could’ve in fact been the same one.

Punchline: when I got home, my keen eyes for spotting their patterns did me well as I spotted a baby rattler on the side of my house. Mistakenly, when we landscaped the backyard 9 years ago, we had the landscapers put the real rocks on the side of the house that isn’t used. What we were really doing was authorizing a rattlesnake habitat. This was the second I’d seen on the side of the house; two years ago I even found the hatched egg from which it came.

Spooky sight after my relative killed the snake and scooped it on to the shovel. It was still moving and the head was still biting. The effect was positively eerie.

Incidentally, if you’re scoring at home, the rattlesnake found in the yard puts the rattlesnake in the lead in terms of snakes we’ve found on our premises over the 9 years we’ve lived here. It’s rattlesnakes 2 (backyard), California kingsnake 1 (courtyard), Gopher snake 1 (garage).

"Obama's president. Dat's what I heard."

I’m going to continue to beat this room temperature horse at least one more time to suggest what potential there would be if Seth Meyers and the writing staff at Saturday Night Live applied there impressive creative talents equitably across the political spectrum.

Of course this morning’s news narrative was the “Etch-a-Sketch” remark by one of Mitt Romney’s advisers. I’m sure the SNL writers are already etching a sketch with hilarious Jason Sedakis as I type this. Meanwhile, there’s an entire spectrum of real news reported in places outside the traditional media (The Blaze, Michelle Malkin, Breitbart, Pajamas Media, Townhall to name a handful) whose stories would lend themselves nicely to the gang at SNL, if only they were interested in parodying not one but both political sides.

Michelle Malkin has especially been covering the President’s green energy boondoggles (on the collective dimes of the 53% who pay Federal Income Taxes). She’s throwing out the term “pond scum” to encapsulate the seemingly absurd notion that we can supplant fossil fuel production with algae.

So I sent my Weekend Update suggestion to Seth Myers this morning that showcases the potential jokes that could be rendered if only he would go there. My example was:

Tragedy struck today when hundreds of ducks vital to President Obama’s algae fuel delivery system were shredded by windmills.

See how easy that was?

Here’s a related joke I penned and this one isn’t even a direct insult to the President (we know they won’t go there; can’t be branded a racist):

The Audubon Society estimates that roughly 70 endangered Golden Eagles are killed each year by Northern California windmills – or as I call it: Green with Irony.

I mean this stuff is just screaming to be parodied. Green energy-producing windmills are killing off eagles. But that’s not newsworthy to the Left because it doesn’t fit their narrative. Only Caribous are displaced by oil-gas pipelines. Spotted owls are displaced by home-building. But hey, a green windmill kills an endangered bird and so what? The ends justify the means. It was worth it – is the Left’s Machiavellian view.

Way back when the Navy Seals killed Osama Bin Laden, I imagined how Weekend Update recurring character Anthony Crispino (played by Bobby Moynihan), the guy who hears bits and pieces of the news via the grapevine and then gets the stories completely wrong, would cover the Bin Laden news. I came up with this possible line:

So, uh, d’ya hear the news, Seth? After all these years they finally found Obama’s birth certificate. Yeah, it was hiding out in Pakistan. It was under water, too, because they had to send seals in to capture it.

Well, wouldn’t you know? That week, they DID do a Crispino bit on Weekend Update, and he did, naturally, cover the Bin Laden story. He did it this way (paraphrased from memory):

Did ya hear, Seth? They finally killed Oksana Baiul the Russian figure skater. Yeah, Nancy Kerrigan’s really happy about it.

When I heard that joke, I laughed and thought their concept was better than mine (that’s why they’re the pros and I’m an amateur). It still somewhat buttresses my point, I think, that even if they hadn’t come up with Oksana Baiul, they’d have never done the Obama birth certificate line I produced. Wasn’t gonna happen. Nor has any joke that could be perceived as even slightly anti-Obama been done since.

I propose that there is one person who would’ve had a whole string of Obama birth certificate jokes as Weekend Update host, and that is Norm MacDonald.

The problem of only following one side of the news is twofold. First, you limit the pool from which funny jokes can be crafted, but second, if your audience relies mostly on that same side of news reporting, then you run the risk that the audience won’t even get the joke aimed at the Left. I call this the Norm MacDonald phenomenon. He was the only person who actually paid attention to Conservative media as he formulated his Weekend Update scripts during his mid-90s run as anchor. Many of his jokes - Bill Clinton murdering Vince Foster is the prime example – were totally lost on the audience. How would they even know who Vince Foster was if all they read were the New York Times and all they watched was Tom Brokaw or Dan Rather or Peter Jennings (or John Stewart) for their news?

Ultimately, I believe this is why MacDonald was let go. Literally, the NBC Execs didn’t think he was funny – most likely because they didn’t get the joke because they didn’t have the proper frame or reference in terms of news sources. (There was a more moderate premise floated by Don Imus that MacDonald was fired not so much for the anti-Clinton jokes but because NBC Sports Exec at the time, Don Ohlmeyer, was buddies with O.J. Simpson and didn’t appreciate all the O.J. jokes Norm perpetrated.)

Last point: Another phenomenon I find that rings true pretty unilaterally: Conservatives don’t have a difficult time laughing at jokes about Conservatives (as long as their based on truth). Heck, Michelle Malkin and many other Right Wing pundits had a field day with the Etch-a-Sketch story. Twitter hashtags were started with the purpose of naming which toy (e.g., Silly Putty) or which games (e.g., Twister, Risk) Romney best portrayed. I suggested Tinker Toys for the toy based on Romney’s ever-changing campaign themes over his last two presidential bids and suggested that, at least based on the Media’s Obama Re-election Inevitability narrative (O.R.I.N. as I’ve dubbed it), Romney’s candidacy is a Trivial Pursuit. I added that, based on the Media’s narrative of Romney as the out-of-touch multimillionaire, he’d be the board game “Yachtzee”.

In a similar fashion, I have patted myself on the back for being able to support the Left Wing entertainers’ work even if I think their political views are nutty and heinous. (See here.) I can still enjoy a Tim Robbins, Sean Penn, Morgan Freeman or Jeannine Garafolo movie and separate their performances as actors from their nonsense-spewing politics.

How can I prove this? Well, despite everything I’ve just written about SNL, I still watch it, by God. Wouldn’t you think a stark-raving Conservative like myself would not be able to tolerate such onesidedness from the Left? As Belushi would say, but NOOOOOO! I watch SNL. Always have, probably always will. It’s funny. I’m merely pointing out that it would be even funnier if they were more fair and balanced with their comic references.

Meanwhile, you would be hard pressed to find members of the Left who are able to laugh at their own shortcomings. Hence, all the jokes from the Left are about Conservatives. They don’t seem to have the ability to laugh at themselves.

Really.